December 16,2003 (Tuesday)

5:35am

Something is not right with my life --- I'm sitting here after finishing my workout. My Legs are sore from the workout on Saturday. I guess my biggest hang-up right now is how really close I was to achieving my goal before and now it all seems so far away. And I have nobody to blame but myself. So I trudged through my weight-lifting and cycling this morning. I ate so well all day yesterday and then screwed up by having four bowls of cereal late last night.

But as always, my favorite mantra, it's never too late to start over, to rebuild your life the way you want it. So I ask myself, "what do I want to have accomplished by THIS time next week?"

Well. Hmmmm. I am really starting to dislike my job so I've decided after my boss gets back from his vacation next week to apply for a new position, this is while I am waiting for that computer job to open up.

Number One - I would like very much to be back to maybe 14 or 13.5% body fat. I am not so concerned about the weight.
Number Two - I would like to have taken all these library books BACK and to have started on a new book. Maybe a classic.
Number Three I would like to have gotten real with myself and stop this insane eating at night that I do.
Number Four I really need to clean this house and get rid of more junk. This is just insane.
Number Five I am sick of television. So I'm not going to watch it any more ---

hey you know I was thinking about this. I never overeat at restauarants or at work or anywhere. The ONLY time I eat too much is IN FRONT OF THE TV late at night. I tried the SIGN thing but it only works part of the time.

Okay so by the time I do my JoeUser Log for Tuesday the 23rd of December I'll be bit healthier, the house will be cleaner, I'll be better read and what else---??? I don't know I think I'm slipping into a depression. But I tell myself "it's just a temporary feeling, you are not a prisoner of your emotions" but I do feel rather worthless lately. And you know, it actually makes it WORSE having an online blog because THAT'S where you do your journaling so all these things that should be locked away people get to read. And I don't need anyone's sympathy. I'm simply sharing what I feel right now. Period.

I was wrong about SURVIVOR, Sandra won but I can't believe how much the Jury held Lil's Boy Scout thing against her. I was a Boy Scout once. Hated it. What a waste of time and space. And now whenever I see them out selling anything I avoid them like the plague. Little bastards.

My body really was tired to the bone yesterday but part of it was from SATURDAY's workout and part of it was psychological. Because I mean, I have felt "fat" for weeks now and after a while that just takes it toll on your mind and energy. Day after day trying to eat right and then in the middle of the night you eat JUNK. And I had control twice before and lost it... but it was my own fault. Once you make excuses it's hard to get back on track and I will definitely not let myself forget what a struggle I am having this time if I get back on track. And of course the house is a wreck. Mainly it's too much clutter again and I meant to change the belt in the vacuum cleaner and the maid is coming today but that only makes things WORSE because usually the house isn't this bad when she shows up today it's horrendous. So THAT is embarrassing.

And I am tired of my job. It's such a chore now to psych myself up for it. But I do because I try to be a trooper. And I'm still waiting for the computer job... I never hear anything ---

So basically it seems like NOTHING is going the way I WANT it to and THEN I get on here and that's all I have to blog about, how pathetic is that? Oh well. I've seen some BAD POETRY creeping onto JoeUser lately so just be thankful I'm not posting any bad poems.

Anyway. So I was a lazy nothing this weekend and then yesterday my wife calls me and asks if I will help them MOVE FURNITURE--- where she works there are four people and they are moving into a new building and --- nobody was hired to move this stuff so thay are doing it THEMSELVES! Oh I did NOT want to go, I wanted to sit on the couch and watch Seinfeld re-runs until my head exploded. But I DID get dressed and go down there and moved stuff for maybe an hour and a half. Then Proceeded to do nothing until Dr Phil came on.

And Dr Phil made me feel better because here I am feeling fat at 148 pounds and 15% body fat and these people are HUGE. I mean, I was happy for them that they are losing weight but they are still pretty big. So that gave me a temporary morale boost. But I also had a headache in the evening. Ugh. Well.

I'm going to conclude this tiresome blog right now and go make a schedule to accomplish some things this week so that by next Tuesday my blogs will have a more upbeat spin on them.