I should come clean right now. Betty White, to my knowledge, is not dead. It's just that I was thinking how much I am going to miss her when she is gone. I was watching a truly wretched little film called "Bringing Down The House" and she is in it. I want her to live forever, like bathroom mold.

Guess what else? I've already finished this entry once (almost) and then I swiped some random key and POOF! my entry was gone. That happens when I am typing my HOTMAIL too sometimes. So now I have to try and reassemble what I had written.

I MAY be losing weight but I am still a FAILURE when it comes to eating at night. Not going to go into long details but I'm just going to give the link to my FITDAY JOURNAL . So that way, if you want to know what I'm eating and all, so be it. If not, I'm not going to force it down anyone's throat.

My outlook is becoming warped. All I can think of is "eat healthy, exercise, don't snack at night --- oh we ate at night again! CRAP! what a loser! well, let;s start over!" It's sick. And then I have people who are --- well--- bad advice givers. Like I was reading THIN TASTES BETTER and I notced on FITDAY that a low range of weight for someone 5'7" like me is 125 pounds and I've gotten down to 132 before and people will go "oh that's too thin" but you know what, my new attitude is SCREW THEM because it's about what makes you feel good. And I know when I get down to 135 and my abs are starting to really show because the BF % is 11 I feel good about myself. I have a little frame anyway. It's not like some 5'7" stocky guy getting thin I'm built like Moby, Chris Kattan, or the new improved Karl Lagerfeld. That thin type where you can wrap your fingers around my wrist whether I weight 130 or 160.

It gets to be a weird subject, because you can't really talk about it. You can't just say "oh I know I'll never be in GQ, but I'm fairly attractive and I want a great set of abs". I mean, that just weirds people out. And then you just sound vain, but it's too tacky to add, "I mean, my family is priority #1 and I volunteer and give to charity but then I want my abs and clear skin." I mean --- it's absurd, you know? So you just go day in and day out struggling --- during the day I'm so controlled but almost EVERY SINGLE night I get up and eat. I'm trying to figure out how --- did I lose the weight before? I need to get some willpower like a man before I hit 150 again. This is just stupid. Read somewhere that ST John's Wort works for some people to stop cravings, so I may give that a go, though it's probably just a myth.

I'm going to have one more cup of coffee and then get to the gym.