When I first conceived this idea for a blog, I thought "oh it'll be one of those funny, hahaha type blogs where people would go 'oh yeah that guy REALLY hates kids" --- but then I thought about the person I want to be, and I don't WANT to hate kids. Right now, wherever I am, wherever I do, I see children --- big children, small children, black children , white children and they all make my skin crawl. I may have a serious problem. Because my wife wants kids and I do to, in an abstract kind of way. I do see myself as a dad one day. So I've devised the following ten ways to be better with kids.

#1. Whenever you see a little baby crying, cry even louder. Everybody wants to fit in and know that somebody somewhere understands their needs.

#2 Teach kids long words and complicated phrases. Nothing is more engaging to a 3 year old than memorizing the periodic table.

#3 Hand them a mop. Kids love to feel that they are part of something. Next time I am walking out to my car and an 8 year old passes by I'm going to make them wash my car. Then I'll give them a quarter. Nothing helps a kid's self-esteem like a hard day's work and pay.

#4 DO NOT invite 12 and 13 year old boys over to your house for sleepovers. Sneak into their windows and threaten them not to tell anyone you were there. I mean, come on, there is a way these things have been done for ages and now just because ONE CELEBRITY wants to change the rules we all should go along with it? I don't think so!

#5 Buy them classic gifts they will enjoy. Like James Joyce's Ulysses or a COFFEE-OF-THE-MONTH membership from Gevalia. They will be the envy of all their friends.

#6 Stop tripping the 6 and 7 year old rollerbladers. I've really got to work on this one. At least most of them are wearing helmets.

#7 When a kid is using the crosswalk in front of your car,DO NOT SPEED up and then slam on breaks to scare them while laughing maniacally. It does give me a rush but I don't think in the long run this behavior is healthy for my goals of getting to like and appreciate children.

#8 Listen to what kids have to say. I know we can learn a lot from children. Like "Sally's ---um Mom --- said Sally could go to the, ummm, mall on --- on on on... the weekend and I wanna... I wan... can I go too? With sally and her mom? huh can I ?"

#9 When my friends show me their kids (if the friend is female) I really should stop my routine of laughing and saying "oh my god, are you sure you pushed that out of the right hole?"

#10 and finally, remember that it's important to keep trying. Try new techniques. I keep a supply of kids from Puerto Rico in my closet just to see if my child-loving methods are a hot or not. Here is a tip : Kids love pancakes, they do not love to paint my toenails while listening to Phillip Glass for 45 minutes.

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